How Our Ability To Reason Helps Us Grow

We are as human beings, a thoughtful species.  We derive meaning constantly from our world and, when in relationship, every action of the person we are focusing on has meaning for us – consciously and unconsciously.

Often when I work with couples I find one reason they argue is because they don't understand where the other was coming from. Once they gain understanding, they feel ok, they feel right and the tension is released through the understanding. The release of this tension allows for open dialog and I believe the release of endorphins held tight by the stress of uncertainty.

(While not always the case, I in no way mean to limit the reasons why couples have challenges communicating, this is a key aspect I find helpful to address.)

For example, a partner returns home late from work without calling.  When they walk in their partner who has been waiting for them may be angry or hurt, not knowing where they were.  If the partner knew the person had had an accident and their cell phone was lost in the process, they would no longer be angry. 

Or a couple is on their first date, when the man tries to share his tiramisu, the girl declines.  The man takes this as a personal declaration that she isn’t interested when in reality, she is allergic to an ingredient in the cake.  Once she offers this information, the tension is released.

A Sensory Example

I recall a client telling me she couldn’t understand her attraction to her friend’s boyfriend.  It was like when he was around she just felt safe and connected to him for no apparent reason.  She found herself trying to gain his attention and she couldn’t figure it out.  The attraction also wasn’t in any way sexual. 

Something struck me that when she talked of him her nose raised slightly. 

I took her into a slight hypnotic trance and we realized he wore the same cologne as her father who had died when she was 9 years old.  She realized that safe feeling was the cologne, and she bought a bottle of it for herself.  The realization of this also completely released her thoughts about her friend’s boyfriend. 

A Thoughtful Practice

I want you to think of someone in your world that you feel tension towards.

Once you have that person, consider what it is that causes your tension.  Perhaps they are always late, or seem to treat you with disdain.

Now imagine if this thing about them that causes you tension had a reason that you would feel would be valid and make the experience lose its tension.  For instance, if Sally felt Jake always teased her and it made her feel he didn’t respect her, she could make an internal shift to the belief that he teased her because he loved her (more often the case). 

Once you have done this, see how you feel about the person and notice the tension most likely feels different now.

Let me know how it goes for you.

Blessings!

Jen

If this sort of topic interests you, join us for our upcoming Integrative NLP courses this fall/winter (contact me to be placed on the list for more information) and the upcoming Healthy Selfishness TeleCourse in May.